Dave's Fiction Warehouse

I n a scientific experiment starting the day after the election, I deleted the ubiquitous blue icon from my iPhone 6. That was right after putting out feelers regarding a move to Australia. Still haven’t heard back from Australia, but over the past few days I’ve noticed a sharp decline in Facebook-induced rage, neurosis, confusion and overall angst. It turns out that when I have to sit at my computer to examine the latest fake news and cat videos, I check the site approximately 29,000 fewer times per day than if I were looking at my phone. And by refusing to “like” or comment on anything, the number of notifications I get is now down to zero. That represents a significant time savings! Also, the carpal-tunnel thing in my right hand is showing some improvement. There are other upsides. I no longer have to spend so much valuable time unfriending people. And when I wake up in the middle of the night — kind of common when you’re my age — I no longer reach for the phone and compound the pro...

W as invading Iraq a good idea? If somebody takes more than two seconds to answer with a simple uppercase "NO," you have to wonder about their grasp of reality. You really have to wonder if that person should run for president. But there's Jeb Bush, parsing and equivocating and trying to make it sound like supporting one's troubled brother matters more than correctly identifying the nation's biggest foreign policy debacle since Vietnam.  I don't get this. Jeb Bush seemed to be the only GOP presidential candidate who had not arrived by clown car, the only one even remotely electable, and yet he refuses to acknowledge the obvious: We screwed up big time. (Well, not "we," per se, but it does involve a W.) It's a mistake that keeps on corroding the country in myriad ways.  I don't know; maybe it just hasn't hurt the Bush family personally. Jeb says the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein. Maybe so, if some Jeffersonian figure had ...

I hate flying. I hate the airline industry. I specifically hate USAirways.  I don't hate the employees of USAirways, just the company itself. It is the epitome of all that has gone wrong with American capitalism. It is a company that systematically degrades the quality of its product while constantly increasing the cost for it. It is a company that treats customers the same way it treats their luggage.  The company is posting record profits -- up about 90 percent after merging with American Airlines in 2013. That's a function of two things: reduced competition on more than 1,600 routes, and dramatically lower fuel costs. The guy who runs USAirways/American makes about $20 million a year. You'd think windfall profits might allow slight improvements in customer service. If you do think that, you should get your head out of your ass.  On a recent flight out to Vegas, and then back a week later, I experienced what has become the depressing standard in U.S. air travel: every ...

I 'm happy Pope Francis was named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” As popes go, he’s not bad. It says something about the Vatican that when somebody who works there actually walks the walk in regard to Christianity, it’s quite amazing and newsworthy. So: Good job, Frank. But don’t get all prideful, because look at your competition: Ted Cruz? Are you kidding me? Bashir Assad? I know, Time always qualifies its annual award by saying it’s all about influence — good or bad — as opposed to making the world a better place. But still. When the name of the award is “Person of the Year,” it always sounds like an honor. And it always seems like smarmy equivocation to short-list people who are, arguably, nothing more than headline-whores and amoral assholes. It’s worth noting that Time‘s annual honor was called “Man of the Year” until 1999. Women were not considered very influential until that date. Oops. Sorry, Maggie! Sorry, Indira! Past winners include Hitler, Stalin, Khrushchev and K...

Give us a kiss. W e all have our guilty pleasures, and mine at the moment is " The Strain ," the TV adaptation of the books by Guillermo del Toro. It's all about vampires taking over New York City. It's like "The Walking Dead," except, you know, with vampires. And an evil presence orchestrating the whole thing. You can see why it's a guilty pleasure. But bear with me. These aren't the glamorous, simpering vampires we've become used to through certain young-adult novels. Yes, they feast on human blood, but they lurch around like zombies and attack via a snake-like appendage that erupts from the mouth, like a frog nailing a fly. Much more efficient than fangs. The appendage is a two-way conduit: while delivering blood to the vampire, it delivers the little white parasitic worms that eventually turn the victim into yet another vampire.  Disgusting, yes. And a refreshing departure from the canon. Vampires are supposed to elicit horror, as opposed to ...