Dave's Fiction Warehouse

David emerging from the shower N ot cool, Michelangelo. Sculpting that schlong onto your statue of David? Not cool at all. Yeah, you got away with it for more than 520 years, probably chortling all the while. But now, boy, you’re in the Free State of Florida.   In this bastion of liberty, parents adhere to a strict no-johnson policy when it comes to Renaissance masterpieces. When the principal of the Tallahassee Classical School let your creepy statue be included in an art lesson – bam! She was out on her liberal ass. See what happens? You might be a hell of a sculptor, Mike, but that don’t mean diddly in DeSantisland. Don’t take it personally though. All sorts of degenerates are under the gun here: shady folks like Judy Blume, Toni Morrison, James Patterson. Basically anyone with the cojones to write about the various permutations of human sexuality. Sculpting an actual wang is way too woke. What were you thinking? I mean, even The Simpsons saw this coming 30 years ago. Why c...

W hat is art? That was the theme of Sunday’s New York Times crossword, which I finished in (for me) average time. It was titled “You’ll Know It When You See It.” I kept wondering if the creator had been inspired by Tilda Swinton. Swinton, you’ve probably heard, has since Saturday been periodically napping in a glass box at New York’s Museum of Modern Art. Of all the stories appearing in the Times over the past week, I don’t think many have gotten the same kind of public response. People may not know exactly what art is, but they damned sure know what it isn’t. Me, I’ve seen a lot of weird things at MOMA, and the Guggenheim, and I just shrug at this kind of thing. I’m quite the sophisticate. I’m not one of those guys who looks at an abstract painting and says, “my kid could do that” — even if I’ve thought it more than once. My theory on art is this: If it evokes a feeling of some sort, even disgust, then you can call it art if you want to. Ditto if it’s a famous actress who is likely to...