Give my regards to Jesus

Today was supposed to be the Rapture. Again. I haven’t kept meticulous records on these predictions, but I’m pretty sure at least 165 Rapture dates have come and gone since I was first made aware of the phenomenon around 1970. That’s based on a conservative assumption of three end-of-time dates per year.

Spoiler alert: Every one of them was 100 percent wrong. We’re all still here, righteous and sinners alike. Well, except for the billions who have sadly expired of non-theological causes over the past five-plus decades.

I’m this close to concluding that all Rapture predictions are utter bullshit.

Speaking of percentages, the author of this latest forecast, South African pastor Joshua Mhlakela, said a couple of weeks ago that he’s “a billion percent sure” this time is the charm. I would like to remind Pastor Josh, and a certain American president, that percentages don’t become more forceful with the addition of random zeroes beyond 100.

Anyway, if you and yours do experience the Rapture today, drop me a card. Include your address so I can swing by and pick up any valuables you leave behind. I can feed your dog too, if you like. 

But if you find you’re still here in the morning, don’t despair. You’re not the first to be fooled. And you sure as hell won’t be the last.