Last night we headed for bed just before midnight. The New Year’s Eve gunfire was like the opening battle scene in “Saving Private Ryan,” to the point that the dog followed us upstairs to cower by the bed. My wife asked me what my hopes for 2018 might be. She asks things like that. I hadn’t thought much about it, but the answer came pretty quickly: “To […]
Will Roy Moore
ruin Christmas?
This is what it’s come to: Watching the results of an Alabama senatorial election likes it’s the freaking AFC playoffs. Does scrappy underdog Doug Jones come from behind to knock off crappy horndog Roy Moore? It’s anybody’s game! Who’s ready for some football? My prediction just before the polls close: Roy Moore will win it handily. Not even close. Two touchdowns and a field goal. Why? Because […]
Judgment Day
for American swine
The wife and I were talking about sexual harassment a couple of weeks ago. I forget which famous man was accused and fired that day; you lose track after awhile. But I do remember saying, “Jeez, who’s next, Garrison Keillor?” It was a joke. I was trying to come up with a famous person, other than Pope Francis, who would seem least likely to play the horndog […]
Meals on Wheels
meets Godzilla
I used to be a Meals on Wheels driver, and let me tell you, those were the days: Pulling down a generous stipend while delivering gourmet cuisine to indolent oldsters. The only downside was that they were lousy tippers, and tended to complain if the foie gras was grainy or the filets were overdone. Ha ha. Very funny, right? Actually, I found Meals on Wheels to be […]
‘Star Trek’ saw it coming
You run out of metaphors to explain Trump. In the shit-hits-the-fan scenario, is Trump the fan, or is he the shit? In the Hitler scenario, is Trump really Hitler, or is he Mussolini’s feckless brother Doug? In the comet-destroys-Earth scenario, is Trump the comet, or is he just a guy on his toilet, tweeting out his reactions to “Fox and Friends”? The thing about history is that […]
Papers, please
Imagine if all those thousands of bored, unfriendly TSA screeners at the airports were turned loose to harass folks on the street. That’s sort of how Trump’s deportation plans are shaping up. Instead of you going to them, they’ll be coming to you. Taking off your shoes will no longer suffice. Now they’ll have the power to seriously screw up your life. Just because they’re hunting undocumented […]
Words to live by
You get used to President Trump blowing bullshit, but this has to rank as the most inelegant non sequitur in the history of presidential remarks. Here’s Trump on Wednesday, fielding a question about the “sharp rise in anti-Semitic incidents across the United States:” Well, I just want to say that we are, you know, very honored by the victory that we had — 316 electoral college votes. […]