We don’t need no stinking followers

Like badges, Twitter followers are overrated.

Should we care that Elon Musk is about to acquire Twitter? Not really. Remember that Twitter, like Matt Gaetz and Marge Greene, is just a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for evil or good. Well, mostly evil in the case of Matt-n-Marge, but you see what I mean.

I’m not going to ditch Twitter just because the world’s richest (for now) man and the world’s second- or third-biggest (for now) asshole will be in charge of it. As I mentioned, this platform is for all of us to use and enjoy the way we like. Sure, the Musk Man will have every scintilla of your personal data, but then so does everybody else at this point, right? That big ship o’ data sailed right after you got your first smartphone.

Anyway, here’s how I do it:

• On the right-hand side of your screen, you’ll see a list of trending topics. Under no circumstances should you click on any of these topics. It’s helpful to cut a piece of construction paper and paste it over that part of your screen. Why? Just as nothing good ever happens after midnight, nothing good ever surfaces in a trending topic. It’s like if you locate the big pipe leading directly from beneath your toilet and you think, “Hmm, better crack that open for a look-see.”
• When you see a charming pet video, you should like it and retweet it and quote-tweet and share it immediately. This will ensure you see even more charming pet videos, which will help crowd out much of the venomous bullshit that is Twitter’s bread and butter.
• You should post the score of every internet puzzle you do on a daily basis. This will help limit the number of followers you have, and it is commonly known that one’s number of followers corresponds inversely to one’s overall enjoyment of Twitter. For example, I have eight or nine followers, a couple of whom can occasionally be relied on to “heart” my score on Wordle. I like those hearts. My Twitter life is rich indeed.
• Speaking of following, you should only follow people who have verifiable expertise in something you care about, such as pet videos. Or who are occasionally funny. Or who are a friend or relative with similar sensibilities. Every other account (somewhere around 300 million at this writing) should be blocked or muted on a case-by-case basis. Believe me, this will save you some headaches down the road.
• By all means post things like: “Eleven days without sharting myself! Can I get a like and a retweet?” “Going through a tough time right now. Can I have some money?” “Proud patriot running for alderman in East Dorkson, Neb.! Can I count on your unwavering support? And quite a bit of money?” This will save other users the time of deciding who to block next. You’re paying it forward, so to speak. 
• Finally, go out there and have fun! Don’t worry that Donald J. Trump will make a triumphant return to Twitter. Who cares? Was he ever really gone? People who should know better have been posting his every rambling imbecility since the supposed ban went into effect. It’s just background noise, folks. I’ve blocked that shit and so can you.