Street-fighting man

If Donald Trump and Joe Biden really did duke it out behind the gym, who would win?

Here’s Trump’s take: “Did you see where Biden wants to take me to the back of the barn? Me! I’d love that. Mr. Tough Guy. You know when he’s Mr. Tough Guy? When he’s standing behind a microphone by himself. He wants to bring me to the back of the barn. Ooooh. Some things in life you could really love doing.”

First of all, Biden said “gym,” not “barn,” but a guy like Trump wouldn’t know about either one. Anyway, I would watch this fight. I’d hold Joe’s jacket. I’d also risk a $20 bet, since Biden is in much better shape and has a bit more experience in this sort of thing.

There’s also the coolness factor: the outgoing vice president has balls of titanium, whereas Trump’s bluster can’t quite mask the cowardice and insecurity coming off him like cartoon stink waves. Get that guy away from his sycophants and he’s toast.

Here’s how it would go down: Biden would have Trump in the fetal position in roughly nine seconds. He’d administer a couple of kicks to Trump’s hairdo, then readjust his collar and turn to re-enter the dance. Trump would probably jump up with a switchblade. But Biden would be expecting it and he’d disarm the GOP nominee with a garbage-can lid. This time, he’d make sure Trump stayed down. When Trump regained consciousness, he’d skulk back to Mar-a-Lago and complain that he’d been sucker-punched.

Of all the unseemly images Trump has invoked during this campaign — mass deportations, a rigged election, riding bareback with Putin, grabbing women by their privates — the one of him getting his lard ass handed to him by Joe Biden is the one I’ll return to as this weird election winds down. Trump’s right: Some things in life you would really love seeing.