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Fun with fire ants

June 21, 2015 by Dave Knadler

fire ants in florida

Watch out boy, they’ll chew you up.

Another reason to hate Florida: Fire ants! Just when I thought I could put up with the heat and humidity and Gov. Rick Scott, one million of these little bastards decided it was time to teach me a valuable lesson.

Lesson one: Don’t live in Florida. Lesson two: if you do live in Florida, don’t walk your dog at night past a vacant lot filled with interesting sand structures. Because when the dog stops to take a leak, fire ants will swarm your sandaled feet like little knife-carrying berserkers.

They move quicker than you’d think. One second I’m trying to make out constellations in the hazy sky of Jacksonville; the next second I’m hopping around with my feet on fire. Holy shit! These little assholes are well-named. I got out of there pronto, but the damage was done.

That was three days ago. The last couple of nights I haven’t slept too well because of the pain and itching. It doesn’t hurt as much now, but the welts still look like small-caliber gunshot wounds.

Live and learn. Next time I take a walk, I’ll be watching the ground. Next time I get near anything that looks like an fire-anthill, I’ll have a HAZMAT suit and a flamethrower.

More along these lines:

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  • Vain hopes for 2018Vain hopes for 2018
  • diaries of a young manA little history lesson
  • fitbit pedometerEvery move you make
  • Who’s ready for some pinkeye?Who’s ready for some pinkeye?

Filed Under: florida, Me

About Dave Knadler

Obscure writer. Lazy photographer. Bashful guitarist. Perhaps too fond of wine. Tireless nemesis of New York Times crosswords, Wordle, Semantle and all other puzzles du jour.

Comments

  1. Deb says

    June 21, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    I learned that lesson in Texas one summer….not fun! Hope the worst is past.

  2. John H. says

    June 22, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    As always, I enjoyed the song reference in the photo caption. Hope your feet are better now.

    • Dave Knadler says

      June 22, 2015 at 3:58 pm

      Thanks. They still look pretty hideous, but I believe the worst is over.

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