A few rules for 2015

I no longer make New Year’s resolutions for myself, but I’m happy to make them for everybody else. Here are a few that come to mind after another stroll around my Springfield neighborhood:

• Vehicle owners: Quit parking on the goddamned sidewalk. Seriously, just quit it. I have refrained from keying your splendid ride for quite awhile now, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to resist the urge.
• Gun owners: Quit shooting off your goddamned weapons in town. On New Year’s Eve or any other time. Treating a firearm like a toy or a noisemaker will come back to bite you one day. Hopefully in the form of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
• Indigent folks: Quit leaving your McDonald’s wrappers and styrofoam meal containers on the ground. Ditto with the donated clothes you acquire and then molt with every fluctuation in the weather. In fact, if you could quit treating the entire neighborhood like a great big Dumpster, that would be great.
• Dog owners: Quit letting your damn mutts bark at all hours. Quit letting them carve dirt trenches all along your lovely chain-link fence and by all means quit chaining them up beside your trash-laden stoop. I’d also request that you pick up their shit once in awhile, but let’s start with the basics for now.
• Crazy people: Quit shouting obscenities while you’re wandering down the street. Or, if you must shout obscenities, please pretend to have a Bluetooth headset so I won’t think you’re shouting them at me.
• Beggars: No I don’t have any spare change. OK, I do, but I believe you will not spend it wisely. I also believe you are lying when you say you need (a) bus fare to get to your nonexistent job, (b) milk for your nonexistent baby, or (c) surgery for your nonexistent ailment. If you want to keep begging, prepare to furnish extensive documentation.

That’s all for now. I know these are draconian concepts, but you’ll find they get easier with practice. Thank you for your cooperation.