Dave's Fiction Warehouse

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The next small thing

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I want the one with the butterfly. It's so whimsical.

I want the one with the butterfly. It’s so whimsical.

You know, I was one of those who laughed and laughed when the iPad was first announced. The sheer size of it, compared to a perfectly good iPhone that fit in one’s pocket, seemed ludicrous. Why carry a second big device that actually did less than the small one? The name was stupid too. Then Apple went on to sell more than 210 million of the damned things.

Is that your iPhone, or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a plus-size iPhone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Shows you what I know. No doubt I’ll be just as wrong about the Apple Watch. But this thing strikes me as something only a complete dork would want. It’s a large gadget on your wrist that requires a bigger gadget in your pocket, which interfaces with an even bigger gadget on your couch, all related in some way to the actual computer up in your office. And by the way, if you have an iPhone 4 or 4s, it’s now crap. Won’t work with the Watch®. You should skip it across a pond and get yourself to the nearest Apple Store. The Watch® won’t be buyable until next year, but I guarantee you a line is already forming somewhere.

Of course, Apple is not marketing this thing as a mere gadget. Look at its product page and note the language: the Apple Watch is being presented as a piece of jewelry, a luxury accessory, a beautiful form that transcends considerations of function:

A small French tannery established in 1803 produces the supple Granada leather for this elegant band.”

“Supple Granada leather? Not to be confused with “soft Corinthian leather,” which sold so many Chrysler Cordobas in the late ’70s.

…the same material NASA used to create the parachute strings for the Mars Rover.”

Because the stresses involved in hefting a glass of artisan wine have been known to blow out the bands on cheap Casios.

Each has a watch case crafted from 18-karat gold that our metallurgists have developed to be up to twice as hard as standard gold.”

You still screwing around with standard gold? Don’t be an asshole.

I guess that explains why the Watch® will cost so much. That NASA parachute-string material doesn’t exactly grow on NASA parachute-string material trees. Not to speak of the supple Granada leather. Still, I paid $17 for my last wristwatch. For $350 and up, this thing better change people’s lives in meaningful ways.

Think the Apple Watch will be as big as the iPhone or iPad? I don’t. But as I mentioned, I’ve been wrong before.

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Comments

  1. I’m with you, Dave, but I too was wrong about the ipad. On the other hand, Apple fans may be displeased – the watch looks like it has knobs and buttons. That seems heretical in an Apple product. Haven’t we moved past mere physical controls?

    BTW IKEA did a perfect spoof of these Apple ads – search for “IKEA bookbook”.

    • I wondered about that too. Actually turning a knob to make something happen? Some sort of telepathic interface might have been better.

      Love the “bookbook” ad.