As the Oscars go by

We complain about the Oscars every year, but usually there are at least couple of semi-remarkable moments to make the show memorable. This year, all we got was Kim Novak’s ruined face and a running gag about rich people actually ordering and eating pizza. And paying for it! Ha ha.

This show. I don’t think I’ve missed one in 20 years. I don’t know why. I am sick to death of gowns. I hate all the speeches, rambling or scripted. The stars never look anything like their characters. They’re too shiny, all of them sleek as weasels. They never quite get that by thanking everyone in the known universe, they are really thanking no one. And they are thoughtlessly sticking it to the home viewer, who would like to be entertained in some small way over the course of 3.5 hours.

The things I like about an Academy Awards show are (a) the jokes, and (b) the montages. I think we can agree that the jokes were uniformly flat. Especially the pizza thing. The montages? Well, we’ve seen all those clips dozens of times, but at least they’re about the movies. If it’s a choice between a five-minute laundry list and a 90-second highlight reel, I’ll take the highlights every time.

Other thoughts:

• Sally Field looks pretty genuine.
• Liza Minelli does not.
• If forced to choose, I’d rather fistfight Jared Leto than Charlize Theron.
• If I never hear the song “Wind Beneath My Wings” again, it will be too soon.