Today it occurred to me that I’ve probably spent more time than most people as a guest in someone’s home. If not for friends and family, a road trip like this one would get old pretty quickly. I’d drive all day and then spend the intervening hours staring out the window of a soulless Super 8, trying to identify strange odors and certain missteps in my past.
As it is, people usually seem welcoming. Maybe they’re just being nice. But I like to think it’s partly because I’ve perfected the art of not being a bother, and the art of leaving well before a welcome wears thin.
That’s rule one when you stay with somebody: Make sure they know when you plan to leave. And then leave somewhat earlier than that. Sometimes it’s hard to do: the food is great, the bed comfortable, the conversation amusing. Your hosts set out snacks and pour beverages with a free hand. They just love having you there.
Of course they do. That’s how good hosts behave. That’s how Tess and I try to behave when we get company in our home. We like getting company. But it’s always easier to be gracious if the duration of the stay is known and definite.
Rule two: Help with the dishes. That doesn’t mean a symbolic offer while shoveling down another portion of dessert. It means getting up and doing it without waiting for someone to object. Also, once is not enough.
Rule three: Buy some food. Either a dinner out or some groceries — just don’t be the person who’s repeatedly peering into the fridge in the hope that there will be some nice cold cuts in there.
Rule four: Make the bed. Yes, it’ll just get messy again, but I don’t know anybody who doesn’t prefer a made bed to a tangle of sheets and rumpled blankets. Just make the damned bed.
Rule five: Do your own laundry. But do it at a time when the washer and dryer are free. When in doubt, ask. Under no circumstances do you remove your hosts’ underwear from either machine.
Rule six: When your hosts go to bed, you go to bed. Do not stay up watching The Daily Show at full volume, then pad around the house opening cupboards at random. Also, do not then go to a nightclub and return drunk in the wee hours.
Rule seven: Take a walk. Or go shopping or do something each day that takes you out of the house and out of your hosts’ hair for a little while. Good hosts always feel they should be entertaining. If you’re not there it gives them a nice break. And a chance to discuss your shortcomings in private.
Anyway, those are my personal rules for being a guest. By diligently adhering to them, I’ve not yet been forcibly evicted from any place I’ve stayed. Maybe I should write a book about this.
They don’t build ’em like this anymore
Mystery photo number ten
We don’t need no stinking Holiday Inn
Up to greet the dawn
I got them new-car hankerin’ blues
You sound like an excellent guest. Good rules. Actually, I don’t think you should ever go to anyone’s home empty handed, even if you aren’t going to spend the night. It doesn’t have to be expensive, maybe not even bought for the occasion. A few tomatoes or flowers from the garden, coffee and tea from the pantry if you know they’ll be flowing during your visit, just something.
Excellent point. Guess it’s time for a longer list.
I think with some fine tuning we could print this out and hang it on the back of the guest bedroom door. That will suffice till you finish writing the book.
Heh. I suppose certain people could take it wrong.
2 and 7 are my favorites…….even if I don’t need the help, I always appreciate the offer.
One thing about doing the dishes, or loading the dishwasher: It requires no special training. Although I’ve known people to have very specific ideas about loading the dishwasher …
jeez louise….you’ve been talking to my gang. I’ll still take the offer and just rearrange quietly.
I like Erin’s idea (with Paula’s addendum.) You are all welcome at my house anytime. Bring booze.
Dave you are always an exemplary guest. You never overstay your welcome. Not to mention that you provide witty and intelligent conversation and we are always sad to see you leave.
You’re too kind. But thanks for the compliment!
That goes without saying.
When visiting someone’s home, “Always knock with your feet”…..because your hands are full with a little sumpin’ sumpin’.
Words to live by!
Good rules, Dave. Odysseus would have spared you. But you wouldn’t have overstayed your welcome in Ithaca in the first place.
At my parents’ place, it ruins my mom’s day to have someone else doing dishes. Seriously, she hates it and it stresses her out. But helping in other ways is appeciated – clearing the table, entertaining kids to keep them out from underfoot, etc.
I have visited folks like that. Good point: If not the dishes, then do something else.