My position on vegan vampires and their swooning girlfriends is well known: I don’t like them. I hate the whole premise of this Twilight series, wherein the undead and their hirsute cousins, the werewolves, must carefully cater to the fantasies of dopey girls and certain of their dopey mothers. That said, I gather from the trailers that Edward and Bella finally get up to some rough sex, and that Bella spends the rest of the movie clutching her lower abdomen like somebody who really regrets that last chili dog. So that could be a comedy goldmine right there.
I know these movies aren’t made for middle-aged cynics, and normally a man should not make fun of a movie he’s not seen. But the trailers have been running on TV nonstop, and like most trailers they pretty much tell you the whole story, leaving out only the boring parts. I’ve been able to deduce, for example, that Jacob is not happy with the nuptials and spends a lot of time running around like Kevin Bacon doing his angry dance in Footloose. I know that some bad werewolves wish to harm Bella’s restive fetus, and that Jacob decides to help her out. I know that at some point E. and B. take a refreshing dip in the Blue Lagoon. Finally, I know that everything turns out OK in the end, because I have not heard a lot of youthful lamentation out there in social-media land.
Actually, now that I think of it, that’s about all I need to know about “Breaking Dawn.” If a man is going to see only a couple of Twilight movies in his life, this has to be right up there in the top two.