All your life belong to Facebook

I‘m still learning to use the new and improved Facebook. At first glance it seems a lot like the old, confusing Facebook. Basically, I’m seeing the same stupid stuff; but now I’m seeing it in different places.

Still, the price is right. You won’t hear me complain. Like everyone else, I’m a signer of the Facebook social contract: I agree to wade through your stupid stuff, as long as you agree to wade through mine. As I understand it, the new Facebook allows us to wade through each other’s stuff in a far more efficient manner. We should now be able to view all that stuff in convenient categories: totally boring, less boring, and marginally interesting. Excellent. I’m going to use the time I save to clean the entire house and finish that screenplay about the middle-aged man who solves mysteries just by fiddling with Facebook all day. How about you?

One of the most exciting improvements to Facebook is the new timeline feature. This allows you to peer into the distant past — say, five days ago — and see what you were doing on any given day. Last Tuesday? Hmmm, looks like I was on Facebook. Monday? Ditto. Saturday at 4 a.m.? Facebook again. Perhaps I shouldn’t post so many links to Onion articles and ’80s rock music.

Then there’s the Ticker and Open Graph, which, according to Mark Zuckerberg, will let people express all kinds of things about their lives: “their runs, their naps, their moods, and much more.” Don’t forget crying jags and bowel movements. I kind of thought people were already expressing such things with cheerful abandon, but I’ve not fully explored all the new features.

In any case, the brave new world of social media is getting braver and newer. I salute Zuckerberg for leading the way. The man’s a visionary. And the best thing about it is that he expects nothing in return.