Dear American Express:
I regret to inform you that effective Aug. 2, I will cease payments on my outstanding credit-card debt. It is with a heavy heart that I take this action, but let me explain.
Last year at this time, in attempt to get a handle on expenses, I imposed a debt ceiling on myself. Now with the fiscal year nearly gone I see that I’m in danger of surpassing that debt ceiling. In retrospect, perhaps I should have waited on the car repairs, and the big-screen TV from Sears, and the power bill and the premium whiskey and the high-priced whores.
But the thing is, I didn’t. And there’s this debt ceiling. Yes, I consumed all these goods and services itemized on my bill, and normally I would bite the bullet and go ahead and make the payments. But then I’d be way beyond the debt ceiling, and I could never live with myself.
I’m sure you can understand. I’ve been a longtime customer and totally reliable until now. Since you’re a reputable company and a Facebook friend, I know you won’t take any punitive measures like imposing higher interest rates or cancelling my card. I trust that my nonpayment can remain our little secret, and that the various credit-rating firms need never hear of it. Right? What’s a little violation of trust between friends?
Thanks, American Express. Nothing personal. And I do look forward to charging more stuff soon. Like certain besuited blowhards in Congress, I don’t mind running up the bills. I just don’t like paying them.