Attempted homicide for the holidays

A kid so nice they named him twice.

Kids today. One minute they’re TP-ing your house on Halloween, and the next minute they’re trying to blow up your Christmas tree-lighting ceremony and you with it. Hey, Mohamed Osman Mohamud: You’re grounded, young man. And don’t give me that look.

Used to be, an alienated kid would scrawl “F*ck you” in the bathroom stall and maybe shoplift some Twinkies. Now only mass murder will do. I know the great religion of Islam has nothing to do with this, but this steady stream of guys with some variation of “Mohamed” in their names, plotting evil deeds and shouting “Allahu akbar!” in the mirror — it’s beginning to get on my nerves. What is this fascination with blowing up strangers? Around here, we prefer sit-ins, or boycotting offensive TV shows, or buying only organically-grown produce. In the Portland area especially, killing a bunch of people standing around a Christmas tree just isn’t done.

There are a lot of reasons to hate Al-Qaeda and its seemingly endless supply of mouth-breathing sycophants named Mohamed or Faisal or Nidal or Umar. But I guess the biggest one is how high they’ve raised the bar for outrageous behavior. Forget protest or engagement or writing strongly worded letters; there’s only one tactic now, and it’s anonymous large-scale homicide. What a world.

These bastards are the bubonic plague of our age. But at least they’re still pretty stupid.