This year I’m taking a break from fiction writing to concentrate on finishing up my motivational book, Seven Years to a Less Hideous You. It’ll soon be dominating the entrances of Barnes & Noble stores everywhere, but I’m offering regular readers a “sneak peek” long before the rest of the rubes and suckers. It’s my way of giving back to the community.
I feel good about Seven Years. My basic premise is that, despite the glacial corrosion of time and the occasional bout with alcoholism and unemployment, nearly everyone can leverage my hard-won insights, delicious recipes and sex secrets to become, if not the person they always wanted to be, at least a better person than that creepy dude they’re always running into at the library.
I know; you’re skeptical. Like me, you’ve probably got a copy of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in a box down in the basement. I didn’t get anything out of that one either, probably because the chapters were too long. My chapters are short. Each one is a nugget of pure gold that an idiot like Covey could only dream about. Some samples:
Chapter 3
Always wear your glasses when you look in the mirror. Without them, you might miss that errant nose hair curling down like a superfluous apostrophe. Then in a week it becomes an exclamation mark and has cost you an important career opportunity.
Chapter 17
Dave’s Invigorating Tea:
Put a cup of water in the microwave for two minutes on high.
Put in a teabag.
Enjoy.
Don’t forget to remove the teabag at some point, or after a couple of days it will adhere to the side of the cup and you’ll need a kitchen knife to pry it off.
Chapter 23
Never forget: Highly successful people do something every day. Presumably, one of those things is getting out of bed. So up and at ’em, champ!
Chapter 49
Sex secret No. 1: Real sex requires another person who likes you. Good luck with that. In the meantime, a dog can make you feel at least marginally appreciated. And if you record all of the dog’s amusing antics in notebook, you might have a bestseller on your hands when the dog inevitably dies.
Feeling better? That’s just a taste. Seven Years will be available both as a book and an iPhone app, and I don’t care which because they’re both $29.95.
It’s a good time to visit the snack bar
Every move you make
This is the book I’ve been waiting for as I navigate the choppy waters of “self employment.” Who knew that business about the importance of getting out of bed! Thank you, Dave. I await your Oprah appearance. Do you have a chapter about toenails?
Thanks for the laugh, David!
Stock
Richard: Let’s have lunch sometime. Perhaps we could collaborate on a very dark children’s book.
Michael: You’re welcome. Turns out self-help books are a lot easier to write than crime fiction …
Fine idea. I’m free, let’s see…Monday through Friday of next week, the week after, then that following week as well, and the next…
Hope you don’t mind but I copied and pasted your Chimp toon posting over on my blog. So much easier than actually composing my own blog items.
Hey, be my guest. I can use the traffic, as we say in the business.
Dave, I would buy this book.
Oh … and I’d also buy the dark Knadler/Crowson children’s book. Although I might not read it to my daughter.
You, sir, are a comic genius.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha! Nice one.