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The tawdry truth can now be told

February 11, 2009 by Dave Knadler

Look, if A-Rod has the stones to admit using performance-enhancing drugs, I guess it’s time for me to step up as well. There were times during the late ’60s and early ’70s when I used certain substances to enhance my performance on the dance floor. For that, A-Rod and I are on the same page: We are “very sorry and deeply regretful.” That’s a measure of how sincere we are: a guy blowing smoke would only be “very sorry” or “deeply regretful,” but not both.

Hell, as long as I’m at it, I’ll admit using performance-enhancing substances on a number of other occasions. Most involved large parties or talking to attractive girls. Like A-Rod, “I felt like I needed something, a push, without over-investigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level.” And so when friends would pass back a bottle of warm Bali Hai, I was only too happy to bogart the damned thing until someone else demanded a swig. What can I say? I was young, I was stupid. I was naive. I thought you had to be somewhat impaired to function in certain social situations.

Actually, I was right about that. To this day there’s no getting me on the dance floor without three or four beers and a half-pint of Bushmills. If I go to a party where I don’t know most of the people there, I’ll be the quiet guy lurking near the bar with a glass that’s never empty. Introduce me to a pretty girl and I might forget the glass and start drinking right out of the bottle. Fortunately, I don’t meet a lot of pretty girls these days.

And that’s the ugly truth. I don’t know how this is going to look in the record books. I hope I’m not stripped of my already austere dating record. And every joke I ever told at a party will now carry an asterisk: Was it Dave, or was it the booze talking? Whatever. Now it’s time to be a man, like A-Rod. I throw myself on the mercy of the fans.

More along these lines:

  • Borrowing a bit of good cheerBorrowing a bit of good cheer

Filed Under: drinking

About Dave Knadler

Obscure writer. Lazy photographer. Bashful guitarist. Perhaps too fond of wine. Tireless nemesis of New York Times crosswords, Wordle, Semantle and all other puzzles du jour.

Comments

  1. Peter Rozovsky says

    February 11, 2009 at 8:26 am

    You’re forgiven, man. It was the pressure of your quarter-billion-dollar contract. We all know how that is.

    Can you imagine the position your fellow sufferer, A-Rod, is in? Madonna is proably an ocean of stability in his life right now.
    ================================
    Detectives Beyond Borders
    “Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
    http://www.detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/

  2. Dave Knadler says

    February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Yes, Madonna’s always a rock in situations like this.

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