Tarts in trouble: Won’t you please help?

I don’t have anything to add about human train wreck Lindsay Lohan, but apparently Google has recently forced legislation through Congress requiring every Web site and blog to mention her name at least once a day and run helicopter footage if available. This is my quota. Look, I don’t make the laws; I just follow them.

It seems Lohan ingested a liter and a half of apricot brandy, two grams of cocaine and a 64-ounce Mountain Dew before climbing behind the wheel of a luxury SUV and pursuing the mother of her personal assistant, who had recently left Lohan’s employ to “pursue other interests.” There were reports that Lohan wasn’t wearing panties and chanted slogans concerning the forgiveness of Third World debt, but it is the policy of this blog not to repeat such rumors until photographs become available.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Lohan’s attorney, Blair Berk, noted that “addiction is a terrible and vicious disease.” Other sources say it’s also considered awful, horrific and unpleasant. And not that cool anymore. The upside for Lohan is that she’s only 21. At 22, she will meet the legal definition of party skank, which has adversely impacted endorsement contracts for other celebrities. At this point, only Icehouse Beer and Depend undergarments have expressed interest in renewing their contracts with the mercurial Lohan.

If you’d like to help Lindsay, send me whatever money you can spare. No amount is too small. Except maybe $2 — that wouldn’t be quite enough.